Relational Judaism (II): some ideas

The run-up to the Yamim Noraim is a great time to consider where Relational Judaism can be introduced into community programming.

Relational Judaism is the idea that connections and relationships of different intensities constitute the seedbed of Jewish community life. Relationships within households, between acquaintances and friends, make for communities strengthened by overlapping, mutually-reinforcing connections. Any of these might involve Rabbinic teams, lay-leaders, members or guests.

Relational Judaism in our shuls might involve:

• reducing barriers;

• Jews meeting each other (within and across geographic, demographic, religiosity and stage-of-life groups);

• considering that relationships involve sharing (of experiences, thoughts, time, food); and

• making relationships more solid (between individuals, groups or households).

  
  

To achieve these, we should not underestimate the potential effect of tweaks to existing programming. Also though, no opportunity should be rejected for being too big or too structured. And we should not shy from prioritising one or two groups at a time, depending on our analysis of who is and isn't engaged. Jews come to shul – among other reasons – to connect with other Jews. Communities have a mandate to help them do this. Connecting Jews is our currency and our strength; our communities are best when they do this conscientiously and well. Even strong relationships - such as those within the same household - can be enriched and strengthened, with a positive cumulative effect for the community.

Here are some ideas…

Reducing barriers

Speakeasy: at a social event, put out a gin or whisky table with an honesty box and a sign with the amount one should put in for a drink; but it should also say that drinks are free if you take a second drink for the person in the room you know least and share a l’chaim with them.

Ban phones: even when it’s not Shabbat, removing phones from people’s hands (and putting them in an accessible but secure place) involves removing perhaps this century’s no.1 barrier to Jews meeting each other.

Walking bus: whether it’s parents and children, or teens escorting the elderly, a scheduled ‘bus’ of pedestrians, calling at pre-arranged ‘stops’ on the way to shul, can increase the likelihood of people feeling safe attending. Relationally, conversations might start that otherwise never would. This could be once a year or every week.

Slow-quiz: ask tables at a community dinner or even a Shabbat service, to complete quiz questions, create a story or prepare a joint vort (short talk), the winner/best getting a bottle of wine to share or a shout-out, depending on the setting. The broader the questions, the more inclusive.

Maximum meals: households hosting guests for meals is one of the most important contributions to community-building. ‘Barriers to entry’ include differing levels of kashrus; distance; mobility; spare time, etc. One barrier that can be reduced is cost. Communities might choose to subsidise hosting costs through bulk purchase of challot, for instance. But if that is unsuitable, communities might still ask all hosts to informally ‘cap’ spending per guest. So nobody needs to worry if they can’t provide a roast duck or veal. Keeping up with the Cohens is not a healthy relational activity!

Set Menu Shabbat: similar to ‘Maximum meals’, it is legitimate for a shul to allocate a given Shabbat as ‘bangers and mash Shabbat’ or ‘chicken and chips Shabbat’ because by limiting the complexity and cost of hosting people for meals, the chances increase that they will take place and on a larger scale. This is a relational ‘win’.

Top Trumps: between courses at a meal, get everyone out of their seats and use an ultra-quick game such as Top Trumps – anything with a ‘ritualised’ interaction – to get people talking to new people. Motivate circulation by offering a prize at the end to the winning table. This has been done before…

Jews meeting each other

Jet2Shabbat: this one takes a bit of organising and requires some geographical proximity. This idea was significant in the development of relationships at Alei Tzion in the 2000s. Before the Friday night, hosts and guests must sign up well in advance. Hosts commit to a Friday night dinner of three courses: starter; main course; and pudding. Each household makes their courses in the style of a country, so an ‘Italian’ household might provide foccacia and dips to start, a veggy lasagne for main course and gelato to finish. Each guest gets a unique holiday itinerary (with timings!), guiding them from one country (household) to another, for each course. Potentially there could be a collective final drink at shul or one of the larger households, to share travel tales.

Flower power: at Shavuot or before any convenient Shabbat, communities can allocate members to be gifted flowers by anyone willing to buy them. Those giving flowers deliver them and connect with the recipients.

Having Your Cakes: many communities use the delivery of US Chesed Rosh Hashanah honey cakes to members’ homes as an opportunity for Rabbis and Rebbetzens to say hello on the doorstep. It's not just flowers, then; whenever a community has a ‘wholesale’ opportunity to bring in resources – blank greeting cards; arba minim; new siddurim; shul magazines – it is an opportunity not just for delivery, but to talk person-to-person.

Urnie: the fastest conversation-starter in the west

Put an urn, with Rabbinic approval and Shabbat-compliance instructions if necessary (e.g. "Don't refill! Don't turn the thermostat! Ask about kli sheni!) in your shul lobby and/or a side-room. With decent coffee and a couple of comfy seats, you've created a new environment for conversation on your shul campus.

Switcheroo: a lay-leader with the portfolio for Member Integration should have the knowledge of members and their connections and who guests might benefit from knowing better or reacquainting themselves with, to create table plans where relevant. No table of strays in the corner should exist in our communities, ever.

Human bingo: this classic game requires everyone present to find others who – for instance – ever lived on kibbutz, took a sleeper train, stood for election, bought a baguette in Paris or had their portrait painted.

Corporate conference: reduce the neb factor of giving people name badges by using Hebrew names, your Grandma’s maiden name, your favourite food or other biographical info such as “My first shul was…”, anything which will spark Jewish geography-type chat.

Social DNA: get everyone in the room to connect to each other by no more than one degree of separation: Alex went to the same school as Bentzi who was in Bnei Akiva with Chaim’s brother Dave who bought sweets at Ed’s shop, where he met Feige who married Gideon whose friend Henry taught Ilan to drive…

Relationships involve sharing

Start as you mean to go on: fostering relationships should be an aim for every function of your community, including formal meetings which might otherwise turn into dry, agenda-heavy tests of endurance. Formal meetings might begin by attendees sharing the most Jewish moment of their weeks in a two-minute conversation with the person next to them. The Synagogue Council might spend ten minutes mapping their family background on a 1911 map of Austria-Hungary. A lay-leader could be asked to tell a personal story about how they've seen the strategy of the community fulfilled. Stories should spark conversation about why leaders ended up at this table at this time; not just the functions of the community. (Other practical ideas for formal meetings can be found here.)

This is your Jewish life: before Pesach and Rosh Hashanah every year, members can volunteer to be interviewed by other shul members, about their Jewish lives, the resulting biographies to go in the shul magazine. The shul subsidises the coffee, whisky or snacks over which the interviews are conducted.

Whatsapp hall monitors: community Whatsapp groups can be functional, one-line places or full of garrulous chat. Either way, it can be noticeable if participants disengage. Administrators can guide friends of the disengaged to check-in. Those happy to leave a 90-second pre-Shabbat thought in text or by voicenote, can invite responses from others on the group. Even just an annual ‘hello’ to everyone, from everyone, can complement the phone calls that some communities make before Rosh Hashanah.

Ask the expert: wherever a sedra or sermon touches on an area of a member’s professional expertise then by pre-arrangement, ask the relevant member to prepare mekorot or thoughts to discuss for a (very) short time before kiddush, perhaps just for those interested. Encourage follow-up questions after kiddush is made.

One minute chevrusa: on a Shabbat morning, create a micro-break between pesukim, or between the sedra and the haftarah, for neighbours in shul to discuss a question set by a member of the Rabbinic team to the kehilla, based on an ethical or other issue stemming from the text.

Kiddush select committee: every week a new functional, programmatic or even ideological idea or proposal is written up and stuck on the wall in the middle of the kiddush space, with a plate of exceptional biscuits or a jar of the most geshmack herring. But only those who debate the idea can eat!

Be a cultural warbler, not a culture vulture: whether it's music, art or a talk on the portrayal of Jews in war films by me, it can be made more relational. It is a missed opportunity not to ask people to share, perhaps in pairs or small groups, why they like a certain symphony, where their grandfathers served in the war, or what feelings are inspired by a painting. Sharing is making oneself 'vulnerable', but in that lies its relational power. Just attending a talk can be transactional or intellectual, rather than relational. This is perhaps why book clubs - where the discussion is almost always about feelings of the readers, involving creating some vulnerability and thereby deepening relationships - are long-term mainstays at some communities.

Making relationships more solid

House minyan: if your numbers warrant it and a sefer Torah is available, tefilla (prayer) in a house for Shabbat mincha or Sunday morning shacharit can be relationally-useful. Potentially, ‘different people’ will come from usual; and in any case, the seating plan will necessarily be different. New conversations will start.

Five minute chevra: provide mekorot (sources) which enable to construct a group understanding of the text or even an account of their arguments, which they can present to others or pick up together the following.

Team-eating: volunteer teams should be recognised and rewarded in a Jewishly relational way. Sharing something of themselves over food and drink is effective. So the Rabbi might host a special kiddush for security volunteers and discuss Birkat haGomel (the blessing for surviving life-threatening situations) with them; the community might provide pizza and beer for the youth-service leaders while they write a new song for each year group; or the Kiddush Team might be taken out to a sit-down dinner every three or four years by the Executive (with a ‘war story’ session and divrei Torah!).

It doesn’t take two, but…: everything from children’s services to security is a function which needs fulfilment. Volunteers must be recruited, maintained, motivated and recognised, which is a job in itself. But if possible, rotas should pair those volunteers up. For one thing, a children’s service is easier to run with two adults there than one. Security might be more effective with two volunteers than one (take CST advice, not mine!). But even if you don’t strictly need pairs of people to do a job, pairs can do more than ‘the job’; they can relate to each other.

Intellectual connection: Household members sharing learning and Jewish experiences at home together, adds a new dimension to their routine and to their relationships. Guests can be part of this too, of course. Torah thoughts or writing published by communities, can be made more relational by the inclusion of ‘questions for discussion’, often translating events in the chumash or the daily daf of gemara, into ethical or simple halachic questions. The Jewish Chronicle features Etgar questions; and the ‘Family Editions’ resources on rabbisacks.org feature ‘thoughts to ponder’ which are simple, accessible starting points for conversation. Much Tribe programming is specifically designed for households and materials area available for Shabbat and for chagim. Just one question a week, could bring some of that ‘Ma Nishtanah’ feeling to a Jewish house every week!

Let me know if these work for you or if you have alternative ideas or tweaks!